Help me somebody please help me.

[Control Freak]

Removed by author

[Hugh]

Hi there

Just my opinion only here. I'm by no means an expert, but learning the ropes just like you.

I didnt like your headline. It confused me (I had to read it about 3 times to understand what it was saying to me).

"Amazing New Technology Rips 20 Years Of
Mortgage Payments Off A 30 Year Loan!- Now
You Can Use This Patented System To Slaughter
Your Competition!

It’s Like Having a 10 Year Loan …

With a 30 year Payment!
"

How about "Amazing new technology rips 20 years of a 30 year loan! Now you can use this unique system to slaughter your competition"
I think "Its like having a 10 year loan with a 30 year payment" is confusing and is really only repeating the headline anyway, so is probably unnecessary.

You seem to be telling people how good the system is, without letting the facts speak for themselves (ie you hype it up a bit much).

You should break it up. More subheadings, bullet points, testimonials in boxes (if you have any), different fonts. It gets a bit draining on the eyes after a while. I also thought that the stockbroker story was a bit long and not overly relevant. Perhaps focus more on the benefits of being the expert more.

Anyway, hope it works out well for you.

Good luck

Hugh

[JTCOPY]

Im no pro either. Far as the headline what about...

How To Slash 20 Years Off Any 30 Year Mortage!

I dont think you should mention anything about
new technology in the headline or in the first half
of the letter.

Just a Noobs honest opinion.

[Control Freak]

Removed by author

[John Newtson]

Hey Joe!

Good to see ya here. Here are a couple of things that may help.

I think Hugh is right about your headline being a little too complicated. I had to read it twice too.

I’ll hazard a guess that this part of your deck: “Never compete on rates again!” nails the conversation your prospect is having in his head much better than wanting to slaughter the competition – which is one of those nice, secondary emotional pulls.

But wouldn’t your prospect’s primary desire be to make more money, faster and easier?

I’ve done no research in this market but my gut tells me that’s true.

Another thing you could do to strengthen this is to bring credibility up into the deck so it’s ‘above the fold’ on my screen. And make sure you read Gary Bencivenga's guest article from last week about tying benefits and proof together.

The voice belongs to “Chris” so make sure your prospect knows right away why they should listen to him using elements like his track record, credentials, success stories, etc.

As for not knowing what you don’t know: You already know how to sell – that’s lion’s share of the work, now you’re just working on refining your presentation.

My .02,
John

[copythatsells]

You've done a great job here.

You can take a look at some of my observations.

a. The headline is confusing - handled.

b. You have put together the problem at the right context.

c. I don't see who "Mr.Chris" is and why I should listen to him.

d. What is the reason you are giving this call away for free?

e. How about a better than risk free guarantee? Something to the tune of "If you feel that I have wasted your time, just say so and I'll send you a check for $XX or something like that.

My 2 cents,

Edward Santosh

[Control Freak]

Removed by author

[Stephen Davies]

Joe,
I don't mean to be a downer in the crowd here, but do you really understand your target market?

I ask this in all sincerety and with respect.

I'm gearing up to do some adcopy for a mortgage broker and I can tell you...

Everything you've written about in the first section of your piece is common knowledge in the mortgage industry.

I'm no expert in mortgages, but I can assure you that any mortgage broker reading this is going to have one of those "so what" moments when they read this.

Ever heard of anyone being up-side down in a mortgage? We’ve all been up-side down in a car loan before.

You know. When you want to get rid of your old piece of junk car, but you actually owe more on it than it’s worth.

Well according to USA Today and about a dozen other sources, home owners are experiencing the same thing!

Instead of going through the process of explaining the details that an elementary school student would grasp, why not bring it up a few notches...

Speak in a language that they understand.

Perhaps using phrases such as, "As you already know" instead of the "let me explain and teach you" might do the trick.

Who are these "other sources"?
Exactly what do they say about this problem?
What is Congress doing about this up-and-coming mortgage crisis?

The only way you'll be able to pull this off is to do a better job on your research side.

Give them "real" facts and figures, perhaps even take some of the latest news headlines and hit em right between the eyes.

Get them excited...

Bring up the fact that if they don't jump on this bandwagon soon, they'll miss a great opportunity of making the biggest payday of their life.

Play on their fears!

Let them know that their competition is already gearing up for this mortgage/foreclosure crisis that's about to explode. Lead them to believe that If they grab your "secret" information at this very moment, they will be giving all their business away to the ones who already understand this information (maybe even the ones who have opted in and have gotten your information).

IMHO - If you have to explain all the elementary math to them, then these folks aren't really mortgage professionals, they're just wanna-be brokers. Fine if this is who you're targeting, but I'm guessing not.

Once again, do some research. Put more real-life, "news-worthy" facts in your copy. Make it read more like a "newsy" advertorial and I guarantee you'll get better results.

Like I said, no disrespect...

Just my opinion. Hope this helps.

[paulter321]

Hi dear,
I am also not a mortgage expert but let’s say some thing about your marketing campaign.
I am not impressed by your sentence as you can make it more descriptive by breaking it into sub heading and adding more captions. It will make your campaign more interesting to go about people and once they get interested into it rather than assuming it a 10 year loan campaign, you will be more successful with your campaign.
Anyway good luck!